Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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