The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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