Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
