Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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