Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Randomize
