Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
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