The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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