My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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