dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
