new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
