My cat gives me a boner
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
