update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
