sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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