The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
