dude i'm inner monologue high
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
