Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
