Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
