I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
