You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
