just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just gargled with NyQuil
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
