if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
