Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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