Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
