I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
