After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
