there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I am spending my child support on dildos
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just want to make out with him forever
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
