explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Randomize
