just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
