i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
