you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
