I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
