the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
