When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
