When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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