i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
