that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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