Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
