i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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