Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
