Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
