Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Vodka?
Forever.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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