It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
