The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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