you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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