xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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