His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
