Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
