1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
