Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
