The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
