How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
