I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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