Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
