so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
