Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
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i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
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You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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