I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
