my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
