HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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